Safe To Be Angry?
Why I’m still learning to manage unruly emotions…
Throughout the years, even as a young child, I remember that my anger was not to be expressed openly. I didn’t know exactly what the consequences would be , but I knew better than to find out. For even the smallest displays of upset would offset a chain of results. For me, anger was not safe. I was also afraid of anger.
To a degree, I suppose I still am. The little girl deep down would rather hide what she did, than face the consequences. It’s up to me, the adult to reassure her that she is in fact safe. It is up to me to face the music of what ever choice I make or don’t make. Inaction is still action. It is silent defiance in some regards.
During one particularly hellish time when I was about 10 years old, showing anger was particularly perilous. At the time my mother’s close friend would either throw cold water in my face, or if he felt I was unusually unruly, I would be put in a cold shower until I cooled off. This was just the beginning of what he might dream up. To be honest, he was my boogey man. A man to be equally feared and loathed. I’ll just leave it at that. No one was safe when he was around. Even when he was gone, I knew to tow the line. Why in the world would I ever be obstinate with him?! It was just his way to instill fear and keep control
There have been times when I was afraid of my own anger. A festering rage at times when I felt unheard, cast aside, unloved and not valued by anyone. This has followed me like a ghost from my past. I still test and push limits in my relationships to see if they are loyal. This is one of my weaknesses that I’m working on.
For me, anger is almost an ALL OR NOTHING deal.
Obviously, being angry all the time is not healthy, nor is repressing anger. It will most definitely take a toll, not just on you, but those closest to you. It will manifest itself in one way or another eventually, no matter how much you think you have this ugly beast under control.
That said, anger can also be used as a catalyst, if used properly. If you’re being mistreated, or abused, anger can be used to spur one into action. To take care of unfinished business.
It can be used as a blanket that we cover ourselves with and wallow in.
